Ideal christmas wishlist if all my relatives were millionaires.

TV MILFS that would definitely get it (if I wasn't such a pussy).

A MISOGYNISTIC LOOK AT HAWT TV BABES.

Julie Bowen - Modern Family
She is a purfeck; severe and slightly neurotic, but so cute at times that you just want to wrap her up and put her in your trousers. At the risk of sounding like a huge pervert who pillages online message-boards with gross Modern Family fantasies, I'll stop now.

Kelly Rowan - The OC
The OC was full of hot mamas - Marissa's mum was a total babe too - but the Cohen matriarch just snatches away the crown. I'd let her cream cheese my bagel any day.

Mary Louise Parker - Weeds
OMG. WHAT. A. MILF.  And she sells weed. If you'd told me about this angel 5 years ago when I was a skunk baby I would have completely blown my shit.

Lois Griffin - Family Guy
Probably the biggest source for fan drawn sex pictures right here. I don't know what it is about Mrs. Griffin but she seems to be able to transcend the whole fact that she's a drawing, and make her way in to the wet dreams of young men around the globe.

Francine Smith - American Dad
When really Francine is much more of a hottie. GOD DAMN I would nail that shit.

Portia De Rossi - Arrested Development
Get this...Portia's been nailing Ellen DeGeneres for the past 3 years!!! Oh, you already knew? Well imagine the shit that you'd get up to with those two.

Jenna Fischer - The Office
In the show she seems like a bit of a prude tbh - nowhere near DTF. But check that slammin' rack and corset in the real world. wooooEEE.

This is rad.

http://bit.ly/GoogleBeatBox

This morning I had a nose-bleed, which I haven't experienced since I was a wee nipper, so naturally I freaked out and told my girlfriend that I thought I was coming down with brain cancer or something.

She reassured me that it's probably just stress related, and she might be right; every time I open Pages and look at the essay I'm supposed to be writing my mind does this weird thing that makes me feel like I'm trapped in a small box with Piers Morgan, and he's swallowed the key to make sure neither of us ever escape. So instead I'll write on here, it's easier than critiquing consumerism in late 20th Century American literature.

The thing is though...she might be wrong, maybe I'm having a brain aneurysm? I don't have any other symptoms but perhaps it's just a slow developing aneurysm? Do they even happen?

I think I just need to face facts and realise that I'm a colossal hypochondriac - any tiny ailment that strikes makes me think that I've got cancer immediately; sore in my mouth? probably cancer. Pain in my back? also, probably cancer. If I ever win the lottery or get a real job and end up having a huge disposable income I'm going to start a clinic for people like me to go and get full body cancer checks & blood tests, and employ motherly looking women in nurse outfits (not in a sexual way before this gets all Freudian) to reassure patients that they'll be absolutely fine.